Saturday, February 20, 2010

Fermented Guy

Late one thursday night, probably a thrusday in late January, a young couple were celebrating their first anniverary at Geno's. Their celebration had found its way into what appeared to be an old janitor's closet. After a few dark (and enjoyable) moments in the closet, the young missus' eye was caught by a faint glow on the highest shelf. Not without a few complaints, she convinced her husband to climb up to the shelf to investigate. What he saw will forever change the S.M.C.R.

Now, for the first time ever, I would like to introduce to you, fair S's.S. readers, Guy Love, a new line of fermented Guy Stroker products. The faint glow reflecting in that horny woman's eyes was nothing less than the last remaining gallon of Guy Stroker's seamen. Lost for so many years, dusty and forgotten, Guy's love juice refused to lose its shine and like a beacon in the figurative and literal dark it is here to help save us.

The new line-up of Guy Love products:

Kim-Guy: a spicy fermented condiment that spices up any rice dish and increases your daily health.

Guy-buchi: a refreshing fermented beverage that helps with digestion and gives you a nice little pick-me-up.

Guy-kraut: a healthy topping for a hotdog, sandwich, or just a delicious snack.

Guy-pickles: Fresh, crisp and big, no refrigerator is complete without them.

All Guy Love products are made locally, organically and with 100% Guy Stroker seamen. The heavens have only seen fit to provide us with a small amount of our sacred Guy Juice, so get it while it is hot.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Bam! Guy! Pow! ...

We're back. February is a slow month in the S.M.C.R, but it takes more than a shitty short month to keep The T.L.O. out of commission. While many S.M.C.R.ites are whining about the lack of snow, a Guy load of gallant Onophiles have taken strength from these unseasonable days and Emerilled them with something white of their own.

Whether on Munjoy Hill, near the Western Prom or out in Dr. Wallbrook, signs of life have been sited with recurring frequency. An unidentified man dressed in a Guy Stroker costume, dashed out of the bathroom and into the kitchen of an upscale West End eatery, slapped the chef's face and screamed pow. He escaped the nearly empty restaurant without being aprehended, only leaving behind a sticky white substance, not unlike salty glue.

First Friday art walk, a popular event for Munjoy Hill residents, recently took an ugly turn for a portion of the participants. In four seemingly related incidents, unidentified men dressed in what observers described as big Patrick Swayze wigs, capes and utility belts that apperently held bagguettes, pickles and containers of mayonnaisse, accosted young female MECA students and shared their unsolicited opinions on mustaches, dreadlocks, short hair and Riseling. Fortunately no one was injured, but a few of the students did experience nausea from an overwhelming smell of Sake, pickles and aftershave.

Of course S's. S. can not confirm that any of these incidents were instigated by The T.L.O., but he can be sure that there are still a strong few who have not fallen in with the Wings Army; a strong few who don't believe in skiing; a strong few who will stop at no end to make sure Guy Stroker did not die in vain.

Viva el Guy!


Monday, January 18, 2010

Cupped Nuts Comfort Cocks

It happened. Saturday, January 17th. The T.L.O. preformed an impromptu gig at Mama's Crow Bar. In a beautiful blacked out moment of brilliance, two of the founding members of The T.L.O., preforming under the pseudonym, The Homosexuals, rocked the fucking socks off of each other and the bar tender and, I think, at least two other people.

Though Dr. Wall's infamous Wall of Sound was missed, Apollo Creedance and Uncle Sal performed their classic hit, The Loco Ono, culminating in a fantastically aimed apple to the left testicle of Uncle Sal. A tally of the post gig carnage included a broken toilet, a broken Blackberry, a fart that smelled like Uncle Sal's dead uncle Al, a wall, a swollen and subsequently cupped testicle and half of the tips from Mama's tip jar. And what happens when the third living founding member of the best band in the S.M.C.R. shows up? Huh? Fuck? Yeah.

Satan's Sweatpants.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Once a Stroker Always a Dick

During this heart warming and festive time of year Satan's Sweatpants would like to be serious a moment and commemorate the birth of a truly special and profound individual, a person that changed the lives of many and made the world brighter for those with whom his path crossed, Guy Stroker. As little children tuck themselves in, warm under their blankets and say their prayers, i find it comforting to know that Guy Stroker is somewhere looking down upon them with a soft smile. While mom and dad are wrapping the last presents and finishing the milk and cookies, my heart is warmed thinking of Guy Stroker gazing on with eager joy.

Wherever Guy Stroker is this Christmas, it is comforting to know that he is watching us all, though he can't be with us is person his spirit will remain close. Guy, if you are listening, we love you. In life you were a brilliant star, always burning until you ran out of juice, but in death your juice falls upon us like a warm summer shower. You came close to heaven while on earth, but now you are cumming in heaven. Shine on you beautiful fucking Guy, shine on.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Truth Balls Taste Like Shit

In my recent travels out of the blog-o-sphere and into the world-o-sphere I have come across some crazy fans of our The T.L.O. As with all great bands (and great horses), The T.L.O. has attracted some nutty fans, but none more cracked than the nut hanger-onners I met at the 8th annual The T.L.O. -Live Like You Just Shot Up Crank Holiday Pot Luck. Headlining the party was an all-deaf/mute/lesbian George Michael cover band. But things really got weird when a number of the older party goers attempted to restrain and rape the The T.L.O.-Live Like You Just Shot Up Crank Holiday Pot Luck (T.T.L.O.L.L.Y.J.S.U.C.H.P.L.) Holiday Donkey. The party ended early for one sad septugenarian when his head was knocked clean off by a tremendous kick from the donkey.

The anticipated culmination of the nights events, the ritual group vomit swap to The T.L.O.'s fourth studio release, Back Off The Wagon, was canceled after it came to light that the CD player and the CD had been sold to purchase crack. Sadly, S's.S. has once again been reminded that ass rape and crack lead to nothing good.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dicks and Waffles

Everyone who follows The Loco Ono has been mourning the loss of the greatest drummer in the Southern Maine Coastal Region, Guy Stroker, since his mysterious passing two years ago, but now perhaps we can find some closure. A friend who is close to sources in the know told S's.S. that Guy was suffering through a particularly bad spate of public masturbation shortly before his deathy death. He was spotted several times in fast food drive-thru lines, cock in hand. The authorities, though they were unwilling to release the information at the time of Guy Stroker's passing, believe that he died of dehydration.

Not so bad really, he jerked himself off to death; I think that is something we can all be proud of. So while you are in bed tonight, or in the car on the way to work, or in the public toilet at Border's, take a moment to pay tribute to a man who truly knew how to slap the skins.

A reverent S's.S.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

We Don't Cook Cats

Well, well, well ...Best bar to find members of TLO; G'N'R' DeMillo's. They are most likely the guys that look like washed up celebrities liable to murder other washed up celebrities. Best restaurant to find TLO; G'N'R DeMillo's. They would be the guys dressed like old men dressed as old women comparing their food to the flesh of a wild mongoose.

Some of the newest celebrity fans to jump on the The Band Loco Ono Wagon, or better known as The BLOW are: Sally Struthers, Ralph Macchio, George Michaels and local legend Dick Tucker.

Many other sites are now claiming to be experts in all things Loco Ono, but know this fair reader, there is only one mother fucking real authority on The Loco Ono; straight from the sweaty crotch of The Evil One (who happens to be a big fan of the LO) Satan's Sweatpants.


P.S. sucks, don't read it, ever. I have been following TLO since they were way underground and way raw, so called number one fan is nothing but a BLOW jobber.

Stay real, stay sweaty.